By executive order and changing Federal statutes, today we are changing the meanings of right and left. But not completely. Sometimes right will mean right. Sometimes it will mean left. Sometimes it will mean neither. Good luck to you all.
So I turned right on a no left turn sign and got a ticket. I said what the f… The officer, a nice person really, said he was sorry but I had to respect the alternative definition as recently changed by the current administration and the Feds. He said I simply couldn’t disregard the wishes of persons with alternative beliefs. That, the officer told me, would be discrimination. I asked the officer if my beliefs counted for anything. Of course they did, I was assured, but not as much as they used to count for. Those with alternative beliefs, I was told, counted a little more than me since everything I held sacred about right and left was discarded to accommodate them.
So I turned left on a no left turn sign thinking I was being correct and got stopped by the same officer. The officer was pleasant, even jovial and jocular. As I was issued the ticket I was told I just couldn’t take the things I used to believe literally anymore. Of course they still applied but I was subject to the new rules regarding my old beliefs. When I asked about the fines, the officer told me someone had to pay for alternative lifestyles and of course it couldn’t be that downtrodden minority.
I sucked up the cost of the two tickets but I was worried they might haul me off to jail if I kept disobeying the new law, even if I didn’t understand the new law or its application. The new law contradicted all my basic beliefs and went against everything I’d ever been taught about right and left. But I thought I might give some thought to other people’s feelings and rights.
Then I started to worry. I was left-handed. Would I still be left-handed? Then I was more worried. Forget about turns. Was I driving on the correct side of the street? What about one way streets? Damn. These new laws were vastly more difficult to decipher and follow than I’d imagined. I mean, what if boys and girls bathrooms or dressing rooms weren’t marked and I asked for the boy’s room and they told me it was the one on the right? Which way should I go? And driving on the wrong side of the street was much worse an offense than those turn tickets. I might lose my license or even worse. And couldn’t a lot of innocent people get hurt?
Jeez, I thought. Maybe the current administration and the Feds hadn’t thought this all the way through. Or, I thought, maybe they had thought it all the way through and had done it for reasons us regular people just couldn’t understand. Hmmm. What reasons could they have? I asked myself this. I asked myself how it benefited them, not really the people with alternative beliefs, but the Feds themselves. After all, only 0.3 percent of the population considered themselves as trans-lefty or trans-righty, so…
Then it dawned on me. If my deep-set beliefs of left and right were no longer valid, I was caused to doubt myself. I never knew which way to turn. In itself that caused anxiety and anxiety caused me to make mistakes. What if I were asked for directions? Which way should I tell someone to turn? And worse. I’d already gotten two summonses and now they could summons me any time they saw fit since the new rules countermanded old beliefs, long-standing sensibilities and even rationality in some cases. If there were no set definitions anymore for those beliefs we had always held, always believed in and counted on, why then they could summons me at will, according to whim, by target. Yes, they could now target anyone who couldn’t or wouldn’t act in accordance with their fancy. And no one really knew what their fancy was.
I was confounded. I was overwhelmed. I no longer knew which way to turn. This all lent new meaning to the expression of not knowing which way was up.
Left, right, up down. Oh my God, but you can’t say God. Yes, I thought. THE PIGS ARE IN THE HOUSE. I wondered if they knew which way to turn.