The Democrats have been having a rough time lately. Poor babies! Not only did they lose the White House, but they didn’t get the House or the Senate either. It’s enough to make them cry. It’s certainly enough to put them in disarray.
Here’s an idea. Let’s usher them all to one of those ultra-liberal, sixty-thousand dollar a year colleges that wants to be a sanctuary campus and give them all lollipops.
To sanctify the “sanctuaryness,” the campus would be off limits to Republicans. It would become a Democrat haven. Classes would be pass/fail and in order to pass all the Democrats would have to do is verify eating three free lollipops, demonstrate they’ve spent a minimum of fifteen minutes crying about the election loss, and write two short letters blaming Jim Comey and Russia for their losses. In the letters, grammar, spelling, paragraphing and punctuation would not count. The Democrats could remain there until they were twenty-six years of age and those over twenty-six could petition for an eight-year sanctuary status. This way, in case Trump is reelected, they will have the same safety and coddling for the duration of his presidency that most two-year-olds always require.
This solution has been given much thought. Fox News Network, Fox Business Network, The Wall Street Journal and any right-leaning newspapers and periodicals will be banned. Similarly, Breitbart and all similar websites will also be forbidden, as will any right-leaning think tanks. The Washington Post and The New York Times, those bastions of unbiased, non-opinionated purveyors of real news and only news, will be required texts. CNN and all the NBCs will be the mandated news broadcasts. The women from ABC’s The View will be welcomed as regular guests, especially Joy Behar since in this environment she can continue with her commentary of how President-Elect Trump is not right in the head. She might also complete her Degree in Psychology, although such a course of instruction may be too difficult to be offered here. It might be too difficult for Ms. Behar if offered. After all, a brain surgeon she is not.
This leads to the coursework. Of course, for the rich, uber-liberals that will be in residence, since they already know everything and everything they espouse and proselytize is morally right and factually 100% correct, there can be no required courses. Therefore, the offerings are mere suggestions.
- Fetal Position Yoga for Beginners
- Advanced Fetal Position Yoga
- Group Solace 101
- Intermediate Group Solace
- Advanced Group Solace 501
- Intro To Coloring Therapy
- Choosing My Color Palate
- How To Choose Your Toilet Each Day: Gender Identification By Mood
- Losing: I Just Can’t Deal With It
- Our Sorrow: Getting Them To Pay For Our Healing
- Shielding Ourselves From Reality: Only Our Perceptions Count
- We’re Right, They’re Racists
- We’re All Winners Except Donald Trump
- Trump’s Not The President
- Hillary Clinton Really Won
- Hillary, Our Hero
- Obama, The Greatest President Ever
- Presenting Opinion As If It Is Bona-fide News
- Creating Psychological Pronouncements As If You Are An Expert
- Hypocrisy As A Credo
- Say It Loud Enough, Often Enough and It Is True
- Revisionist History
- Right-Wing Conspiracy: The Fixing of The Election
- Lying As a Tactic: It Doesn’t Matter If It Accomplishes Its End*
- Using The Bully Pulpit While Calling Them the Bullies
* Harry Reid will teach this course.
None of the courses on the Sanctuary Campus can have exams because exams are too stressful and the Dems are too stressed out to deal with such urbane and utilitarian matters. The mourning period and sanctuary period will last for as long as Donald Trump is president and will continue if after his term(s) another Republican is elected. Lollipops will be distributed every day, so the first requirement for passing is accomplished just for attending. Degrees will be awarded to everyone, since everyone in attendance is a winner. The Republicans, who are not winners, are required to work (at any job they can get) to support the Dems in their endeavors, for only the Dems, the poor, in-need-of-consolation Dems, are entitled to be and do and have exactly what they want. No lollipops for those Republicans!